Okay so, story time. Yesterday I was watching Prince of Persia With my girlfriend. You know the movie with Jake
Jillinhall gillengahelel faggotbeefcake Gyllenhaal. And then we get a call and have to go pick up a present for her mom all the way at the center of the earth where Satan himself was hosting an art festival, vegans only of course, and we had to pick up a present for Rachel’s mom. So we hop in my white stallion of a pickup truck and head straight for the center of the earth. We were sent on a mission to find “long dressed lady sporting cowboy boots”. We walked in and there was just a bunch of highbrows and big wigs. All of my medium brow and normal sized wig brethren were nowhere to be found in this sea of self proclaimed art aficionados. So as we were walking in i noticed a rare breed of old man, Blue Shirted Corduroy Shorts Old Man. Quite a sight to behold. Well his cold sunken beady eyes sort of almost popped out of his oatmeal loving skull and his slack-jaw became slackier the moment he saw Rachel. Now i was the only one who noticed this and i turned to Rachel and said “Hey, I think that oldman may have liked how you looked. Iunno for sure though. But he was trying his best to remember it’s not the fourth of July and kept that rocket in his pants from going off.” She just smiled and laughed a little, unmoved by the majestic old mans gesture of oldliness.
We then made our way to the back of Satan’s BBQ Art Festival for The lost Souls. The was a lot of food. I tried to crotch as many cream puffs as i could, knowing we would be leaving soon. As i was making a spectacle I guess the man behind the table who was supposed to be stopping me from taking all of the food was too bust eyeballing my girlfriend. Rachel really is helpful, creating a distraction so i could be a fatass. Well she told me this afterward that she wasn’t trying to create a distraction and that the man behind the counter was just being a pervert. I thought it was kinda funny and so we continued our search for the cowboi booted lady.
So eventually we found her, she said some boring stuff, we were buying the thing we were originally there for, and that’s when i see it… A jar of lollipops. Now my favorite flavor is all the way at the bottom of this bow of sugary sweet treats of justice. BLUE FUCKING RASPBERRY! Rachel is still talking with the lady and i think i can get this sucker with my fingers. NOPE. So about 15 seconds later I’m elbow deep in a sugary mess of a spectacle. All the people around me were looking like ” Is this nigga for realz?”… yes, I was for realz. This crown jewel of deliciousness was mine… Eventually i got it and sort of did a double thumbs up to Rachel who was against all reason, trying to remember why she’s dating me. We finish the transaction of buying the gift and are on our way to the gates of hell to turn in our visitors passes and get back to watching a neat movie. And guess who the gate keeper is… Blue Shirted Corduroy Shorts Old Man.
Now I’m unsure of why he was still here. I saw him leaving before. But his sagging majestic self was just galavanting towards us. And that’s when i saw it, the corner of his mouth moved in the “I’m going to say something” sort of way and then i did a really goofy smile because i knew( well i thought i knew) exactly what was going to happen. Sometimes i get compliments from old ladies and they say things like “What a handsome young man you are!” or “Aren’t you just something!”. Well this old man’s eyes bugged out again and the only word that escaped his wrinkly lips after about 5 seconds of muttering and a possible heart attack was , “Godly…”. Rachel sort of gave me this look like “MATT, MATT! WAT” and then we just hurried towards the gates of hell and came out of there laughing so hard i think i cried babby tears. I’m still unsure as to why that man chose that word of all things to say. But its ok. Because Blue Shirted Corduroy Shorts Old Man was just doin his job as an old man. THE END
me the whole time >