Fuck it im going fishing instead
Blue Shirted Corduroy Shorts Old Man (A rare specimen indeed)

     Okay so, story time. Yesterday I was watching Prince of Persia With my girlfriend. You know the movie with Jake Jillinhall gillengahelel faggotbeefcake Gyllenhaal. And then we get a call and have to go pick up a present for her mom all the way at the center of the earth where Satan himself was hosting an art festival, vegans only of course, and we had to pick up a present for Rachel’s mom. So we hop in my white stallion of a pickup truck and head straight for the center of the earth. We were sent on a mission to find “long dressed lady sporting cowboy boots”. We walked in and there was just a bunch of highbrows and big wigs. All of my medium brow and normal sized wig brethren were nowhere to be found in this sea of self proclaimed art aficionados. So as we were walking in i noticed a rare breed of old man, Blue Shirted Corduroy Shorts Old Man. Quite a sight to behold. Well his cold sunken beady eyes sort of almost popped out of his oatmeal loving skull and his slack-jaw became slackier the moment he saw Rachel. Now i was the only one who noticed this and i turned to Rachel and said “Hey, I think that oldman may have liked how you looked. Iunno for sure though. But he was trying his best to remember it’s not the fourth of July and kept that rocket in his pants from going off.” She just smiled and laughed a little, unmoved by the majestic old mans gesture of oldliness.

     We then made our way to the back of Satan’s BBQ Art Festival for The lost Souls. The was a lot of food. I tried to crotch as many cream puffs as i could, knowing we would be leaving soon. As i was making a spectacle I guess the man behind the table who was supposed to be stopping me from taking all of the food was too bust eyeballing my girlfriend. Rachel really is helpful, creating a distraction so i could be a fatass. Well she told me this afterward that she wasn’t trying to create a distraction and that the man behind the counter was just being a pervert. I thought it was kinda funny and so we continued our search for the cowboi booted lady. 

     So eventually we found her, she said some boring stuff, we were buying the thing we were originally there for, and that’s when i see it… A jar of lollipops. Now my favorite flavor is all the way at the bottom of this bow of sugary sweet treats of justice. BLUE FUCKING RASPBERRY! Rachel is still talking with the lady and i think i can get this sucker with my fingers. NOPE. So about 15 seconds later I’m elbow deep in a sugary mess of a spectacle. All the people around me were looking like ” Is this nigga for realz?”… yes, I was for realz. This crown jewel of deliciousness was mine… Eventually i got it and sort of did a double thumbs up to Rachel who was against all reason, trying to remember why she’s dating me. We finish the transaction of buying the gift and are on our way to the gates of hell to turn in our visitors passes and get back to watching a neat movie. And guess who the gate keeper is… Blue Shirted Corduroy Shorts Old Man.

     Now I’m unsure of why he was still here. I saw him leaving before. But his sagging majestic self was just galavanting towards us. And that’s when i saw it, the corner of his mouth moved in the “I’m going to say something” sort of way and then i did a really goofy smile because i knew( well i thought i knew) exactly what was going to happen. Sometimes i get compliments from old ladies and they say things like “What a handsome young man you are!” or “Aren’t you just something!”. Well this old man’s eyes bugged out again and the only word that escaped his wrinkly lips after about 5 seconds of muttering and a possible heart attack was , “Godly…”. Rachel sort of gave me this look like “MATT, MATT! WAT” and then we just hurried towards the gates of hell and came out of there laughing so hard i think i cried babby tears. I’m still unsure as to why that man chose that word of all things to say. But its ok. Because Blue Shirted Corduroy Shorts Old Man was just doin his job as an old man. THE END

me the whole time >

SUPER FUCKING MARIOWORLD

     Ok so to start this off, i just want to say that i so freakin appreciate my girlfriend for buying me the power cord for my SNES/NES. Yeah mine broke a while ago and i was unable to pick up this legend of a game in years. So here’s what went down. I popped that cartridge into the slot and immediately got a nostalgia boner. Not even in game yet and I’m excited as heck. FUCKING THEN I START PLAYIN THAT SHIT MUCHAFUCKA. You know, this game is still better than some of the shit that comes out now. I’m not even joking or saying that because Nintendo is brilliant. If you haven’t played this yet or know what I’m talking about please kindly go invent a portal gun, find a narrow hallway, shoot the portals, and go fuck yourself. Seriously go buy a SNES and Mario next time you feel the urge to spend 60$ on a waste of shit game, trust me you wont regret it. Anyways, so i had been playing this for a few days and then tonight i finally got to Bowsers castle. Now the farthest i had ever really got to when i was a kid was like, the 3rd level. hell i was ecstatic to get the yellow switch. But now, I’m here at the gates of the Antichrist himself. I go straight through his joke of a castle to face this guy and settle it once and for all. Gotta tell you, it was exciting, almost as exciting as the Starfox 64 Andross battle. When all the carnage was over it was me at the top. Finally beat that son of a bitch once and for all. It was glorious. Yeah it might not be the most hardcore game, or even the hardest game ever. Actually anyone can play it. Its just so freakin satisfying in the end. THE END

>mfw i beat the game